How to Deal with a Deceptive Boss or Colleague: By Cleanly Flanking Them

personal995
Aug 8
7 min read

It's a shame we have to deal with this at all. But such is life.

Human nature is unlikely to change, so we need to learn how to deal with these types of people effectively.

When someone isn’t good at executing quality work and their livelihood is on the line, they often morph into cunning, politically minded operators. And they can be painful.

But you don’t need to drop to their level. You shouldn’t. That’s a key part of handling them well.

Let them muddy their own reputations. You, on the other hand, position yourself quietly and cleanly. Flank them with calm and results while keeping your values and reputation intact.

"Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it." Folk wisdom

What’s in this article?

Introduction: Simple, but not easy
Step 2: Handle Yourself Well
Step 3: Understand the Power Dynamics
Step 4: Hold the Line
To Summarise: Deception Doesn’t Win Long-Term
Member's Related Links & Readings

Introduction: Simple, but not easy.

That toxic smile. You have to look past it.

The snarky comments. You have to stay calm through them.

The games in the background. You can't play, but you must be aware of them.

Tiring, isn’t it?

You just want to get on with the work. You can’t understand why they want to make it all so hard. Your ego wants to protect itself and bite back.

But you know you can’t. If you do, it’s all over. They win. And you didn’t even want to play in the first place.

That’s why you need to prepare. You need to understand what’s happening. You need to take accountability, even though you want nothing to do with it, and none of it is of your doing.

Recognising this is Step 1: Take accountability, regardless.

Useful members link: Step 1 - Three Choices

From there, we can take guidance from some timeless experts in their fields:

Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, can help you navigate your daily interactions and attitude.

Robert Greene, sharp observer of human nature and power, can show you how the games are played.

Epictetus, the slave turned Greek philosopher, who can teach you how to stay grounded when things get hard.

Tied together, their lessons give you the tools to flank most deceptive situations in your career. And they may even help set you up for promotion in the process.

Step 2: Handle Yourself Well

Dale Carnegie: How to Deal with a Deceptive Boss

Dale Carnegie: Be the Grown-Up in the Room

When someone is playing deceptive games at your expense, the temptation is to push back, expose them, or gossip about what’s happening.

That's what may release that short-term tension and frutration you feel. But you know, it's exactly what not to do. Because the moment you get reactive, they’ve won.

How you behave under pressure shapes how people see you, even if they don't know the full story. And even if you do try to explain, it sounds like excuses to justify your behaviour.

“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do.” Dale Carnegie

Instead:

Don’t take the bait.
Don’t try to correct their version of events.
Don’t badmouth them behind closed doors.

Stay consistent. Stay calm. Stay quietly competent.

People notice, even if they say nothing. And when the time comes, your reputation will be stronger for it. Focus on the work. Build silent allies (Be friendly - be kind to the receptionist and those in core roles, because it feels good, but also because it creates and echo chamber around you). Avoid drama. You don’t need to announce what’s going on. Most people can tell.

Read Dale Carnegie's work How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Many own the book. Many say they have read it. Very few apply the lessons. Get the hard copy and audio, as it is worth absorbing the lessons and scenario handling examples.

Useful Member's Links: Aspect 16: Others & Aspect 20: Harmony

Step 3: Understand the Power Dynamics

The 48 Laws Of Power: How to Deal With a Deceptive Boss

Robert Greene: Know the Game

Once you’ve steadied yourself, and focused on being a professional. The next step is to observe. Really observe.

And again, don't yet react.

First understanding the dynamics.

Most deceptive behaviour at work isn’t random. It’s driven by fear, ego, and a scramble for control. And the more insecure someone is, the more dangerous they can become. Especially if they’re in a position of authority.

“When you show yourself to the world and display your talents, you naturally stir all kinds of resentment, envy, and other manifestations of insecurity..." Robert Greene

Study Robert Greene's work.

Start with Power for understanding the game. Then consider Mastery as an addition to hone your professionalism. Final, consider the Laws of Human Nature, to get even further attuned to reading the room.

In Power, take note of:

Law 1: Never outshine the master.

A deceptive boss may feel threatened by your competence. Don’t feed that fear, stay useful, but be careful not to self promote.

Law 3: Conceal your intentions.

Don’t reveal every frustration or move. Speak less. Watch more.

Law 6: Court attention at all costs. (wisely)

Make your work visible, but your inner thoughts invisible. Be known for outcomes, not opinions.

Law 33: Discover each man’s thumbscrew.

Learn what motivates them. Is it status? Control? Insecurity? Knowing this will help you predict their moves, and avoid traps.

Law 35: Master the art of timing.

Don’t confront unless you’re positioned to win. Most deceptions unravel themselves if you stay calm, patient and well positioned.

Note: Be careful and wise in how you apply the lessons from this book, it is best tempered by blending with the advice of Carnegie and Epictetus.

If you understand the games, then you can rise above them, and play the more lucrative and compounding long-game.

Useful Member's Links: Aspect 31: Astuteness & Aspect 34: Judgement

Step 4: Hold the Line

Epictetus: How to Deal with a Deceptive Boss

Epictetus: Stay Calm, Patient, and Unbreakable

Eventually, deception will get under your skin.

That’s part of the experience. It’s draining. Frustrating. Unjust.

You’ll feel anger. Resentment. Exhaustion.

You’ll want to blow up, walk out, or expose them for who they are.

Don't. Hold the line. Or it's you that looses.

You don’t control your boss or colleague. You don’t control office politics. But you do control your professionalism, how you show up, how you speak, how you work, and what you focus your energy on.

“Remember, it is not enough to be hit or insulted to be harmed, you must believe that you are being harmed. If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation. Which is why it is essential that we not respond impulsively to impressions; take a moment before reacting, and you will find it easier to maintain control.” Epictetus

Study Epictetus.

Try starting with The Complete Works - Epictetus.

Born into slavery and emerging a sought after philosopher, Epictetus' life is worth study.

He taught:

You control your judgments, not external events. Don’t hand over your peace to another’s deceit.
Don’t confuse discomfort with danger. Being disliked isn’t fatal. Being insulted isn’t injury.
Turn the challenge into training. Every unfair act is a chance to strengthen your poise and values.

Use Epictetus' lessons as a reminder to turn insults into background noise, to see deceit as weakness and position calm as a strength.

Useful Member's Links: Aspect 9: Emotions & Aspect 33: Detachment

To Summarise: How to Deal with a Deceptive Boss or Colleague

Deception Doesn't Win Long-term

Sometimes an organisation's culture is so bad, all there is left to do is walk away. But when there is only an incompetent antagonist or two, this method works, and in most scenarios.

It usually ends with the deceptive boss or colleague being found out by the rest of the team (who do your bidding for you, keeping you clean) or a senior manager (who notices what's happening, and see's your potential), and then the antagonist is dispersed, one way or the other.

And even if it doesn't workout, you can walk away with your values in tact and feeling good about yourself. That matters over the long-term.

So even thought this is a game you never asked to play. It's one you have to learn to navigate. Not by matching deception with deception. Not by confronting. And definitely not by collapsing under it. But by staying solid. By moving quietly. By building your strength over time.

They want you emotional. They want you unstable. They want you to react.

Let them want. You’re here to do meaningful work.

Let them bury themselves. Whilst you cleanly flank them.

“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” Epictetus

Extra Note: If you want to take this a step further, use a layer of quiet empathy. Empathy for the antagonist. This can be hard to do as they may be making your life a nightmare. But the truth is, deep down, no one wants to be a miserable pain in the neck. As stated above these actions usually arise from fear and insecurities - they aren't themselves in a good place.

Useful Member's Links: Aspect 36: Holism & Aspect 37: Peace & Joy