Harmony: Models & Theories
- personal995
- Jun 6, 2024
- 13 min read
Updated: Dec 12, 2025
Index
Purpose
Harmony: Models & Theories is a section of Harmony.
This page and section exists to provide useful tools for understanding, exploring, and curating your relationships Clarity.
The more useful Models & Theories you have in your mental toolkit, the more prepared you will be to make quality decisions amongst complexity.
Introduction
Models & Theories are essential tools for understanding, exploring, and interacting with the world around us. They help us unlock the mysteries of nature, solve practical problems, and drive progress and innovation in various fields of human endeavor.
With that in mind, first we want to align this with what we are trying to achieve. Ultimately we want to grow and achieve our Goals. The Models & Theories then, need to help us to formulate strategic plans that can do just so.
The thing with strategic plans is they are more often than not dealing with systems of chaos (human nature, environments, economies, complex adaptive systems etc), and as such can not be completely fixed. They need to be adaptable.
Dwight D. Eisenhower, the American military officer and statesman, once said, "In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable."
There are very few perfect models or theories that suit every situation. Every individual's unique goals have specific requirements to successfully execute them.
However, there are often general, timeless, adaptable or customisable Models & Theories that can be utilised to begin building momentum, or which are suitable to create from, a unique and flexible strategic plan.
These Models & Theories are selected and continually curated with this aim in mind.
Get creative. Use the Models & Theories verbatim, if they serve you in that form. If not, use them purely as idea generators, as partials to build upon or as starting points to adapt and customise.
If none specifically suit, move on to the Self Review, Lessons and Case Studies and create your own working model.
Process
With your Values and Goals front of mind, what is it you are aiming to do or achieve? Once you have that clear for yourself:
Review all the Models & Theories below. Do any appear to provide the beginnings of a structure you can use as a strategic plan?
If so, start working through the steps and build momentum, adapting as it suits for your specific situation.
If not, do some partial aspects or a sum of parts approach to help you customise a strategic plan?
If still not, move on to the Self Review, Lessons and Case Studies and create your own working model.
Models & Theories
1. On Transactional Analysis (Parent-Adult-Child Model)
Summary: Detachment Transactional Analysis (TA) is a psychological theory developed by Dr. Eric Berne in the 1950s to understand human behavior, communication, and relationships. At its core, TA helps individuals recognize different ways they interact with others and how these interactions are shaped by three ego states:
Parent – Behaviors, thoughts, and feelings learned from authority figures (e.g., parents, teachers, society).
Adult – Rational, objective, and logical decision-making.
Child – Emotional responses formed from early childhood experiences.
By identifying which ego state is active in ourselves and others during interactions, we can improve communication, avoid unnecessary conflict, and develop healthier relationships.
Overview of the Three Ego States
1. Parent Ego State – Authority & Rules
Origin: Learned from parents, teachers, and authority figures during childhood.
Function: Provides structure, guidance, and values but can also be overly critical or controlling.
Types:
Nurturing Parent (supportive, caring, encouraging).
Critical Parent (judgmental, controlling, authoritative).
How to Recognize:
Uses phrases like “You should,” “You must,” “That’s not how it’s done.”
Displays protective behavior (Nurturing Parent) or scolding tone (Critical Parent).
2. Adult Ego State – Rational & Objective
Origin: Develops through personal experience and logical thinking.
Function: Processes information objectively, makes balanced decisions, and interacts logically.
How to Recognize:
Uses data, facts, and reason to communicate.
Asks questions like “What are the facts?” or “What is the best solution?”
Responds to situations rather than reacting emotionally.
3. Child Ego State – Emotions & Creativity
Origin: Developed from childhood emotions, experiences, and needs.
Function: Expresses feelings, creativity, spontaneity, but can also be impulsive or fearful.
Types:
Free Child (playful, joyful, curious, creative).
Adapted Child (obedient, fearful, rebellious, seeks approval).
How to Recognize:
Uses phrases like “I don’t want to,” “I’m scared,” or “This is fun!”
Displays excitement (Free Child) or defensiveness (Adapted Child).
Steps to Utilize the Parent-Adult-Child Model
Step 1: Identify Your Own Ego State
Reflect on how you typically respond in different situations.
Ask yourself:
“Am I acting based on logic?” → Adult State
“Am I acting based on past authority figures?” → Parent State
“Am I reacting emotionally like a child?” → Child State
Step 2: Identify Others' Ego States
Pay attention to tone, words, and behaviors in conversations.
Are they acting authoritative (Parent) or responding with logic (Adult) or emotions (Child)?
Step 3: Adjust Your Communication for Effective Interaction
If someone is in Child mode (fearful, upset), respond as a Nurturing Parent or Adult, not a Critical Parent.
If someone is acting as a Critical Parent, stay in Adult mode and avoid reacting emotionally.
When interacting with others, strive to keep conversations in Adult-Adult mode, where both parties communicate logically and respectfully.
Practical Applications
1. Conflict Resolution
Instead of reacting emotionally (Child), stay rational (Adult) to de-escalate conflicts.
If someone criticizes you (Critical Parent), respond with facts rather than defensiveness.
2. Leadership & Workplace Communication
A good leader balances Nurturing Parent (support) and Adult (logical problem-solving).
Avoid acting as a Critical Parent, as it can make employees feel like Adapted Children (obedient but resentful).
3. Relationships & Parenting
Avoid Parent-Child dynamics in romantic relationships (e.g., one partner acting like a Parent, the other like a Child).
Encourage open Adult-Adult communication with children as they grow, rather than always dictating rules.
4. Personal Growth & Emotional Intelligence
Recognize when your Child state is holding you back (fear, self-doubt) and shift into Adult mode to move forward.
Identify if your inner Critical Parent is causing self-judgment and replace it with constructive self-talk.
Conclusion
Transactional Analysis helps us understand human interactions by identifying different ego states. By recognizing when we (or others) are acting from Parent, Adult, or Child mode, we can improve communication, resolve conflicts, and develop healthier relationships.
The key to effective communication is to stay in Adult mode whenever possible, responding rationally rather than reacting emotionally or authoritatively. With practice, this model can enhance self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and social skills, leading to better interactions in personal and professional life.
2. On Detachment for Communications
Summary: Detachment is a psychological and emotional strategy used to de-escalate high-tension, high-pressure, and high-stakes communications. This approach involves maintaining a calm and objective stance, allowing individuals to handle conflicts and confrontations without becoming emotionally overwhelmed. Detachment helps in creating space to think clearly, respond rationally, and maintain harmonious communications.
Here’s a brief overview and the steps for applying detachment:
Overview
Detachment in communication focuses on separating oneself emotionally from the conflict, ensuring that reactions are measured and thoughtful rather than impulsive. By adopting a detached perspective, individuals can better understand the situation, address the root causes of tension, and work towards a constructive resolution.
Steps for Applying Detachment
Recognize and Acknowledge Emotions:
Objective: To become aware of your own emotions and those of others involved in the communication.
Action: Take a moment to internally acknowledge any feelings of anger, frustration, or anxiety. Recognize these emotions without letting them dictate your response. For example, mentally note, “I am feeling angry right now.”
Pause and Breathe:
Objective: To create a moment of calm and physical relaxation.
Action: Take deep, slow breaths to calm your nervous system. This pause allows you to gain control over your immediate emotional reactions and provides a moment to think clearly.
Adopt an Observer Mindset:
Objective: To view the situation from a third-party perspective.
Action: Mentally step back from the situation and observe it as if you were an outsider. This helps to reduce emotional involvement and enables you to see the conflict more objectively. Ask yourself, “How would an outsider view this situation?”
Focus on Facts, Not Emotions:
Objective: To address the issue based on facts and rational analysis.
Action: Concentrate on the specific details and facts of the situation rather than the emotional aspects. Clearly identify the problem without attaching emotional judgments. For instance, state, “The report was not submitted on time,” rather than, “You never submit reports on time.”
Communicate Calmly and Respectfully:
Objective: To ensure that your communication remains composed and respectful.
Action: Use a calm and neutral tone of voice. Choose words that are non-confrontational and constructive. For example, say, “Let’s discuss how we can solve this issue,” rather than, “This is your fault.”
Seek Understanding:
Objective: To understand the other person’s perspective and underlying interests.
Action: Ask open-ended questions to gain insight into the other person’s viewpoint. Listen actively without interrupting. This demonstrates empathy and a willingness to find a mutually acceptable solution. For instance, ask, “Can you help me understand your concerns?”
Propose Solutions and Collaborate:
Objective: To work together to find a resolution.
Action: Suggest practical solutions and invite the other party to contribute ideas. Collaborate to develop a plan that addresses the interests of all involved. For example, propose, “What if we tried this approach to meet the deadline?”
Application for Developing Harmonious Communications
Self-Awareness: Regularly practice self-awareness to become attuned to your emotional triggers and responses. This helps in managing emotions effectively during high-stress interactions.
Mindfulness Techniques: Incorporate mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or visualization to enhance your ability to remain detached and calm in tense situations.
Practice in Low-Stakes Situations: Apply detachment techniques in everyday low-stakes communications to build your skills. This will make it easier to implement them during high-pressure interactions.
Continuous Reflection: After high-stakes communications, reflect on your use of detachment techniques. Identify areas of improvement and adjust your approach accordingly.
Conclusion: By incorporating detachment into your communication strategy, you can navigate high-tension situations with greater ease, fostering more harmonious and effective interactions in both your personal and professional life.
3. On Win-Win Negotiations
Summary: The "win-win negotiations model" is a key concept from the book "Getting to Yes," written by Roger Fisher and William Ury. The model emphasizes principled negotiation and focuses on finding solutions that benefit all parties involved. It is particularly useful for developing harmonious communication and facilitating collaboration.
Here's a brief overview of the model and its steps:
Win-Win Negotiations Model
1. Separate People from the Problem: Focus on the issues at hand rather than the individuals involved. By depersonalizing the conflict, you can prevent emotions from hindering productive communication.
2. Focus on Interests, Not Positions: Identify and understand the underlying interests and needs of each party rather than sticking rigidly to stated positions. This helps uncover common ground and areas for mutual gain.
3. Generate Options for Mutual Gain: Collaboratively brainstorm a variety of potential solutions that meet the interests of all parties. Encourage creativity and openness to alternatives, seeking win-win outcomes.
4. Insist on Using Objective Criteria: Base the negotiation process on objective standards and criteria rather than arbitrary positions. This helps in creating fairness and ensuring that the final agreement is principled and rational.
Steps in Using the Win-Win Negotiations Model
Step 1: Understand Interests: Identify your own interests and those of the other party. Ask open-ended questions to uncover the motivations behind each party's positions.
Step 2: Invent Options for Mutual Gain: Brainstorm potential solutions that address the interests of both parties. Encourage creative thinking and be open to alternatives that might not have been initially considered.
Step 3: Evaluate Options Based on Objective Criteria: Assess the proposed solutions using objective standards and criteria. This could include industry benchmarks, legal precedents, or other relevant measures of fairness and legitimacy.
Step 4: Establish and Maintain Rapport: Foster a positive and collaborative atmosphere throughout the negotiation process. Building rapport can help create an environment where parties are more willing to work together towards mutually beneficial outcomes.
Step 5: Communicate Effectively: Use clear and respectful communication to convey your interests, needs, and proposed solutions. Active listening is essential for understanding the other party's perspective.
Example: Imagine negotiating a work project deadline with a colleague. Instead of sticking to rigid positions ("It must be done by Friday"), focus on underlying interests ("I need time for a thorough review"). Brainstorm options that meet both needs, such as delegating certain tasks or adjusting project priorities.
Key Principles of Win-Win Negotiations
Collaboration Over Competition: Emphasize a cooperative approach that seeks mutual benefit rather than a competitive "win-lose" mindset.
Build Long-Term Relationships: Prioritize the preservation and enhancement of relationships, recognizing that successful negotiations contribute to a positive working environment.
Seek Informed, Consensus-Based Decisions: Encourage decision-making based on informed choices and consensus, ensuring that all parties have a say in the final agreement.
Conclusion: By following the win-win negotiations model, individuals can foster harmonious communication, build trust, and achieve outcomes that are not only satisfactory but contribute to a positive and collaborative work environment.
4. On Verbal Judo
Summary: Developed by Dr. George J. Thompson, Verbal Judo focuses on using tactical communication techniques to defuse conflicts and build rapport. Verbal Judo is particularly useful in high-stress situations where emotions are running high, such as in law enforcement, customer service, or any scenario where de-escalation is needed. By employing these techniques, individuals can transform potentially volatile encounters into cooperative and productive exchanges, promoting a harmonious and effective communication environment.
Here’s a brief overview of the model and its steps:
Overview
Verbal Judo is about redirecting the energy of an aggressive or confrontational conversation into a more constructive and cooperative dialogue. It emphasizes empathy, active listening, and strategic communication to manage and resolve conflicts harmoniously.
Steps
Remain Calm:
Objective: To stay composed and maintain control over your emotions.
Action: Take a deep breath and consciously relax your body. A calm demeanor can help prevent escalation and set a positive tone for the conversation.
Show Empathy:
Objective: To demonstrate understanding and concern for the other person’s perspective.
Action: Use empathetic statements such as “I understand how you feel” or “That sounds really challenging.” This helps to build rapport and shows that you are not dismissing their feelings.
Ask Questions:
Objective: To gather information and clarify the situation.
Action: Ask open-ended questions to understand the root cause of the issue. For example, “Can you explain what happened?” or “What do you need to feel better about this situation?”
Paraphrase:
Objective: To confirm your understanding of the other person’s concerns.
Action: Reflect back what you have heard in your own words. For instance, “So, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re upset because…” This ensures that you are on the same page and demonstrates active listening.
Address the Issue:
Objective: To provide solutions or options to resolve the conflict.
Action: Offer practical solutions or alternatives that address the concerns raised. For example, “What if we tried this approach?” or “Here’s a potential solution we could consider.” Ensure that your suggestions are feasible and considerate of the other person’s needs.
Provide Choices:
Objective: To empower the other person and give them a sense of control.
Action: Offer choices rather than directives. For example, “Would you prefer to discuss this now or later?” or “Would it help if we involved another team member?” Providing options can reduce resistance and promote cooperation.
Confirm Agreement:
Objective: To ensure mutual understanding and commitment to the next steps.
Action: Summarize the agreed-upon actions and confirm that both parties are satisfied with the resolution. For instance, “So we’ve agreed to follow this plan. Is that correct?” This reinforces commitment and clarity.
Application for Developing Harmonious Communications
Training: Familiarize yourself with Verbal Judo techniques through training and practice. Role-playing scenarios can be particularly effective.
Real-Time Application: In high-stress situations, consciously apply Verbal Judo steps. Focus on staying calm, showing empathy, and using strategic communication to defuse tension.
Continuous Improvement: After each high-stakes interaction, reflect on what worked well and what could be improved. Adjust your approach based on these reflections.
Building Relationships: Use Verbal Judo principles in everyday communication to build stronger, more harmonious relationships. Practice empathy, active listening, and providing choices regularly.
Conclusion: By applying the Verbal Judo model, individuals can navigate through high-tension communications more effectively, fostering a more harmonious and productive environment in both their personal and professional lives.
5. On the Nonviolent Communication Model
Summary: Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication model developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg that aims to facilitate understanding, connection, and collaboration between individuals. The model is particularly effective in resolving conflicts and promoting harmonious communication.
Here's a brief overview of the NVC process:
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Model
Observation: Begin by making specific, nonjudgmental observations of the situation. Focus on concrete behaviors and actions rather than evaluations or interpretations. This step helps to establish a shared understanding of the situation.
Feeling: Identify and express your feelings in response to the observed situation. Be honest and use emotion words to articulate your emotional state. Recognizing and sharing feelings promotes empathy and connection.
Need: Explore the underlying needs or values that are contributing to your feelings. Needs represent the universal human requirements that drive our emotions and actions. Clarifying needs helps to identify common ground and shared values.
Request: Make clear, actionable requests that are specific, positive, and doable. Avoid demands or vague statements. Clearly expressing what you would like can lead to mutual understanding and collaboration.
Steps in Using NVC for Harmonious Communication
Step 1: Observe Without Judgment: Describe the situation without adding evaluations or interpretations. Stick to the facts to ensure a shared understanding of what occurred.
Step 2: Identify Feelings: Acknowledge and express your feelings related to the observed situation. Use emotion words to convey your emotional state.
Step 3: Connect with Needs: Reflect on the underlying needs or values that are contributing to your feelings. Consider what fundamental human needs are at play.
Step 4: Make Requests: Formulate clear and positive requests based on your identified needs. Be specific about what actions or changes would contribute to meeting those needs.
Example:
Observation: "During our team meeting, I noticed that everyone was talking at once."
Feeling: "I felt overwhelmed and frustrated."
Need: "I have a need for clarity and a sense of order in our communication."
Request: "Could we establish a practice of taking turns to speak during meetings to ensure everyone has an opportunity to be heard?"
Key Principles of NVC
Empathy: Practice deep listening and understanding of others' feelings and needs, fostering a sense of connection and compassion.
Self-Expression: Articulate your own feelings and needs with honesty and vulnerability, promoting authenticity in communication.
Focus on Needs, Not Strategies: Differentiate between the core needs and the specific strategies or solutions. By understanding the underlying needs, it becomes easier to find mutually satisfying solutions.
Mutual Understanding: Strive for a shared understanding of feelings and needs to create a foundation for collaborative problem-solving.
Conclusion: By following the steps of observation, feeling identification, needs exploration, and making clear requests, individuals can use Nonviolent Communication to foster harmonious communication, resolve conflicts, and create an environment conducive to personal well-being and effective work.
By reviewing these models and theories above you can pick and choose what may work best for you and your own unique situation, try, test and refine your process to suit. To the point where you begin to see improvements and compound your results moving forward.
Output Checklist
Completed Strategic Review Worksheet from The Workbook for approaching any relationships with Harmony related opportunities or challenges, guided by all key learnings from this section.
Next Steps
If you feel you have key learnings to takeaway, return to Harmony: Main to integrate into your Output Checklist.
To continue to learn more, move on to Harmony: Self Review.
< Harmony: Main - Previous
Next - Harmony: Self Review >
